We all bring baggage into relationships – stories, habits, beliefs. It’s like an invisible suitcase we carry everywhere. That’s why it’s so important to know yourself first, and to be aware of the emotional baggage the other person may be carrying too.
People often say after a breakup, “Let’s start from scratch.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it? But the truth is, it’s impossible? Not even your very first relationship started on a blank page. From childhood onwards, every experience shapes how you give and receive love.
The psalmist David wrote: “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.”(Psalm 51:5). In other words, from the womb, our environment begins to influence us. Without realising it, we absorb patterns both good and bad that follow us into adult life.
Some people try to be partners without ever having seen a positive example at home. They enter relationships not knowing how to behave, and all too often, they repeat the very mistakes they once swore they would never make.
We live in a culture that urges us to “live in the moment”, keep things casual, and avoid getting too attached. The result? People carry grudges and unresolved experiences, dragging around a heavy emotional suitcase from one relationship to the next.
If you grew up watching your parents’ marriage fall apart, it’s easy to lose faith in love. Over time, defensive thoughts like “marriage never works” or “you can’t trust anyone” can affect your decisions. But living in defence mode doesn’t heal, it just delays the process.
Our view of love is shaped by parents, friends, culture, and even social media. Unless we challenge those influences, we can slip into destructive cycles without noticing.
The truth is, nobody goes into a relationship “clean.” We all carry past hurts, beliefs, and memories that can affect how we relate to others. If we don’t face them, conflict is almost guaranteed. Phrases like “no man tells me what to do” or “I’ll hurt her before she hurts me” might feel like protection, but in reality, its pain talking and pain doesn’t build healthy connections.
Before you love someone else, ask yourself:
If you can’t answer “yes” to that last one, you’re not ready to give yourself fully to love. Many people move from relationship to relationship trying to fill an inner void, but what they really need is inner healing.
As the Bible says: “Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? No one!” (Job 14:4)
When a relationship is born out of pain, need, or trauma, it often produces even more pain. True love must grow from a place of wholeness, and wholeness comes from God.
Don’t rush into someone’s arms, run towards your own healing first. Address your wounds, examine your beliefs, and strengthen your faith. Then, when you’re ready, you’ll choose with peace, not panic.
That’s why we encourage you to take part in the Love Therapy Seminars every Thursday – a place to invest in yourself and learn the principles of intelligent love. Your past can’t be erased, but it can learn from it. No relationship starts from scratch – but yours can start stronger, wiser, and ready to last.
Event: The Love Therapy Seminars
Day and time: Every Thursday at 8pm
Location: The Cathedral of Miracles, Rainbow Theatre, 232 Seven Sisters Road, Finsbury Park, London, N4 3NX (outside London via conference)
