From the age of 12, I battled deep inner turmoil. During the day, intrusive thoughts pushed me to violence; at night, they urged me to end my own life. My mind felt like a battleground but my story does not end in tragedy. I share it to let others know they too can arise from whatever darkness may be plaguing their lives.
I earned the nickname “crazy man” in my area because I was always ready to strike strangers as I walked by. I would instigate conflicts, throwing punches without provocation and disappearing before anyone could react. Alcohol sometimes intensified these outbursts, but even when sober, my anger felt uncontrollable.
I wasn’t always like this. I grew up surrounded by love from my parents and six siblings, all of whom were positive role models. My brother and I attended the Universal Church but I didn’t take church seriously and by age 12, I stopped attending. By age 17, I was drinking and socialising with older friends. Vodka, whisky, beer; I was downing anything within reach. I smoked around 40 cigarettes a day and often ended the night drunk on the streets. This intensified my appetite for violence. I had a disturbing sense of satisfaction in harming others.
I would get random thoughts of ending my life. I resisted those dark thoughts but vented my frustration on others. My mother was at her wits end and would say, “I raised a man, not a monster.”
During this time, I was dating my now wife. She had no idea of the chaos she was getting into when we got married. Having grown up around family conflict herself, she normalised my toxic behaviour. I was jealous and paranoid, always suspecting her of cheating for no reason. In desperation, she turned to faith looking for answers.
My brother introduced her to the Universal Church. It gave her comfort but as for me, I was not interested. She would pray for me but I got worse.
I was now smoking 60–80 cigarettes a day. This led to hallucinations and night terrors. I would leap out of bed convinced someone was breaking in. Armed, I would run into the streets, determined to defend myself. My wife would come looking for me to take me home.
One Sunday morning, overwhelmed and exhausted, I got on my motorcycle intending to end my life. Amid the roar of the engine, a thought came to me: ‘go to the church.’
I didn’t fight it. Without hesitation, I headed there.
I sat at the back. As I settled into the pew, looking around, my eyes met my wife’s, and I saw the relief on her face. I didn’t realise it then, but that day marked a turning point.
For years, I had bottled up my problems, convinced I had to handle everything alone. My life was a mess. I was drinking heavily, smoking excessively, and living with anger that affected everyone around me. I put my wife under so much pressure with my behaviour. My mother called me a monster, and my wife said I had a heart of stone. But sitting on the pew, I felt a quiet sense of hope. An inner reminder that I could start again.
It took a while for me to understand that simply being a churchgoer would not change my situation. I had to first make a sincere decision to change.
I still held on to destructive habits and surrounded myself with bad influences. I had to make a choice.
One pivotal Friday service changed everything for me. I took part in the prayer with an open heart. A sense of peace fell over me. I had never felt that way before. I continued attending but this time, with a sense of purpose. The more I came, the more I felt I had the willpower to overcome. I saw that the troubling thoughts were fading and I felt a strong urge to stop drinking.
Seeing these changes in me really gave me a boost. As I stuck to my decision to stop once and
for all and persevered, the desire to smoke gradually disappeared. I cut off unhealthy relationships and avoided places from my past.
Several months later, I ran into an old friend who told me that everyone thought I was dead because they hadn’t seen me in ages. I replied, “I’m very much alive, but dead to my old life.” Needless to say that he was astonished at the transformation he saw in me.
I am living proof that people can change. I am a calm and supportive husband. I’ve found peace, enjoy restful nights, and have earned the respect of those around me. My mother saw my transformation before her passing, and I’ve rekindled relationships with my father and siblings. Now, my wife and I volunteer our time to help teens avoid the same pitfalls I fell into.
I believe that no situation is impossible for God. If my story can inspire change, then may it stand as a testament that God continues to work miracles in ordinary lives.
Diego Porto
