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My life of drink, drugs and a distrust of women
“I still loved my dad though, but I couldn’t understand why he was behaving like that. He was also very strict and the atmosphere at home was so bad.” At the age of eleven, angry and frustrated with family life, Robin turned to friends who led him astray. “I started mixing with the wrong crowd and would skip school with my friends to go out thieving and robbing people. I got arrested a few times and my dad would really beat me any time I got into trouble.” Foster care The beatings got so bad that Robin had to be removed from the family home and went into foster care in Essex when he was around fourteen, for two years. “My behaviour actually changed when I was living with my foster parents as they were really nice and used to talk to me properly. I didn’t miss my parents or siblings.” Sixteen and unable to get work in Essex, Robin moved back to London and into the family home, but by this time his parents had separated and his father was no longer living there. In an unwise move, Robin rejoined his crowd and started drinking, smoking weed, and taking speed, LSD and cocaine. “At seventeen, I went to prison for six months for petrol bombing in the Brixton riots. Also at this time, I was in a relationship and when my girlfriend came to visit me in prison, she told me she was pregnant. However, when I got out, she’d left me and was living with someone else. “When I was released, I started drinking again with the same crowd and basically did nothing for two years. I survived off benefits and ended up in prison a couple more times. I was often violent and got into a lot of fights. On one drunken night, I fought with a friend, who head butted me and broke my nose, which is why I have this big scar.” (pointing at the bridge of his nose) Robin attempted to change his life and started his own painting and decorating business that was actually doing quite well. However, even this was short-lived as he was about to be introduced to crack cocaine. “I got really addicted, and to be honest, I took the drugs to be somewhere else and not face life. I was funding my habit from the profit of my business and would get depressed seeing my hard earned cash wasted on drugs, but I just couldn’t help myself.” Robin’s love life was no better. He was in and out of relationships that lasted from a few months to a year. “I didn’t trust women and I was paranoid because of the cocaine. I always felt they were doing things behind my back. I then met another girl who I had my two daughters with. However, we fought a lot and looking back now, I see it was all my fault because of my serious trust issues. After six years together we split up. Shallow relationships I went on to have countless shallow relationships and I wasn’t happy with anyone. I ruined all potential relationships because I just couldn’t trust anyone... but I was really searching for love. “I felt so down because I really couldn’t see my life going anywhere. I had always believed in God, but I didn’t know in what God. I knew I shouldn’t be doing what I was doing and felt really guilty afterwards, but I couldn’t stop. I felt ‘what use am I? I’m just a junkie-alcoholic.’ I felt useless and started thinking of ways to kill myself.“
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“I grew up seeing my dad go in and out of hospital all the time. On the few occasions that my dad wasn’t in hospital, he was arguing and fighting with my mum. It used to break my heart. He would be violent towards her and I would always have to jump in the middle of fights to help her.