I was beaten but now I’m doing the beating!

My mother used to beat me severely. My dad was there the whole time this was going on, but if he said anything she would start on him.

Mum also used to say really nasty things to put me down and demoralise me. She called me stupid, told me I’ll amount to nothing, that I was ugly and she even called me a prostitute. She said that I should have died when I was born.

This left me with no self-esteem, it made me feel worthless. I didn’t have any confidence and was a very timid person. I was unable to speak out and express myself, or if I did, it would be in a very arrogant and aggressive way. I left school at 15 with no qualifications and left home. I got into a relationship, which was another abusive one. My boyfriend used to beat me as if he was fighting with another man.

I used to curl myself up into a ball to protect myself as he kicked me and punched me. I was pregnant when he used to beat me and ended up in hospital. The doctors kept asking me why I was bleeding, but I never told them and just pretended that I didn’t know. I thought that my baby would be deformed because of what I’d been through, but thankfully no harm was done. I got out of that relationship and met somebody else but he ended up treating me in exactly the same way so I left him too.

A third relationship also ended. I started smoking cannabis and drinking to forget my problems. It became a routine of putting the kids to sleep and then drinking and smoking until the early hours. I never thought about God all that time. Although it was painful, it became normal for me to be abused.

But at the UCKG HelpCentre, I was taught that there’s nothing ‘normal’ about abuse or any kind of suffering, and that I shouldn’t get used to living that way. I first attended on a Friday and remember hearing strong prayers being made. When the pastor preached it was like he was speaking directly to me.

So I decided to join in with the prayers as well and ask for God’s help. The more I came and heard the encouraging words, the better I felt. What I understood about faith is that it doesn’t look back. I cannot change the things that have happened in my life, but I can take control of my future and that’s what I’ve done.

I’m confident, happy and have my self-esteem back now. I’m open to making new relationships and know that not all men are like the ones I knew.

I don’t see myself as someone plagued with bad luck, in fact I see myself as someone who can use my past experiences to help others.

Pauline Cooper,
Finsbury Park

I want to know more about a Chain of Prayer