My mum used to beat me severely and was so unloving. She never sat down to speak to me but was always shouting. This made me feel so down and I hated her. I became very aggressive at school, even fighting boys and was suspended many times. I had the nickname ‘The Beast’. I was also violent towards my sister and mother once; my mum couldn’t take it anymore and threw me out. So I had to stay with a friend for a few months.
At college, I smoked majurana and skunk. I scraped through college and applied to go to university where I moved on to campus... and the partying continued.
However, all of this didn’t compensate for the relationship I lacked with my mum. When I was living at home, I longed for her to come and speak to me, but it never happened. I was desperate to feel like part of a family and so started to hang around with the wrong crowd, including gun-men and a convicted rapist.
I felt really, really depressed. I looked for something to make me feel better, and so I went to more parties. Sometimes I didn’t even feel like going but because I was well-known and popular I felt I had to show up.
I started looking for love in men and ended up pregnant. My boyfriend dumped me the same day and I was devastated. I booked in for an abortion but there were complications and as I was so young, they had to call my mum.
I was expecting my mum to hit the roof but was shocked at her reaction. She didn’t shout or say ‘I told you so.’ She was actually calm and nice to me… supportive. It was the first time in my life that I felt she was there for me.
After the abortion, I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I started feeling suicidal and used to think about cutting my wrists. If I killed myself, I thought, all of my problems would be finished. But for some reason I couldn’t do it.
