Home wasn't home anymore, it was hell

I hated my absent father for abusing my mum and leaving her with a mental illness.

For years I urged to find him and make him pay for what he did. When I was asked about him, I would say he was dead or that I didn't have a father but at the same time, I was jealous of other kids' relationship with their dads.

I always had trouble sleeping at night, but after one night when I felt something around me in the room, I couldn’t sleep by myself anymore.

The fact that I was shy and insecure only made matters worse for me. After my uncle died my mum got depressed and didn’t take care of things or herself so at the age of 12/13 I had to take on the responsibility of looking after her and the home. It was so hard; I couldn’t cope and wanted a way out. I soon got kicked out of school because caring for my mum took up too much of my time.

"When I tell them I've forgiven my dad...they can't believe
it because they remember how I wanted to kill him!"

I had suicidal thoughts and started drinking as a way to escape this emptiness that I was feeling. I would write death notes to my mum, but I was just too afraid to kill myself. There were times where I held a knife to my throat, times when I felt an urge to jump off the balcony from my second floor flat; and several times I nearly took an overdose. But I could never go to the extreme for some reason.

No one knew what I was going through, not friends, nor family. I would always smile to hide what I was going through but behind the smile I was just crumbling.

After attending the UCKG, mum started to change. She had such peace and joy and I envied her for that. Though she kept inviting me to come, I didn’t believe that Jesus could change my life. I just couldn’t understand why she kept going to church.

One day I saw an advert about the VYG's Rusx play and decided to come to watch.

I spoke to a pastor who advised me to let go of the hatred and grudges and started attending Friday service for spiritual cleansing. That's when things really started to change.

There has been such a transformation in my character that some of my friends came to the VYG because of it. When I tell them that I've forgiven my dad and would like to meet him, they can't believe it because they remember how I wanted to kill him!

I now have a blessed job that I love, I'm working as a webmaster trainee, planning great things for the future, I have a vision now which I never thought was possible and both my mum and I are doing well in the presence of God.

Now I can truly smile!

Kiran Kaur,
Finsbury Park